Words that Work: Rupture and Repair for Cofounders and Teams
We are all humans, and we inevitably do human things. Mistakes happens. We don’t use our best judgement. We leap before we look. We make assumptions. Sometimes our words and actions cause harm to others, they create a rupture in the relationship, a metaphorical wound. If not treated properly, it festers and creates distance between you. It needs repair- a process that can be challenging to any interpersonal relationship. Cofounders and teammates might find it helpful to have more language to repair any ruptures. Somehow we don’t explicitly learn these things and we’re expected to pick them up along the way, but maybe we didn’t or maybe we need a better vocabulary or more practice.
The list below are some phrases you might find helpful for sticky moments or conversations. It’s a work adaptation of a repair checklist for couples. They are group around common conversational needs: making explicit what’s bubbling up within you; apologizing, saying sorry and expressing regret; showing the other person you are listening; getting curious; working towards agreement, feeling overwhelmed in the moment, needing to stop, and showing appreciation. There are infinite ways to say these things, and if you find them helpful, print them out. Try them on. Use anything that helps you KINDLY and empathetically express what is true for you, even if it’s hard to say. Use them to be the kind of person others can SAFELY and without judgment express what is true for them.
Some of these phrases may sound awkward or “not like you”. They are fine to adapt, and it matters a lot how you say them. Even the “right”words can be “wrong” when the tone behind them is not kind or authentic, and the receiver can intuit the difference. It’s a danger to learning these words without practicing the empathy and personal responsibility behind them, it is possible to weaponize any of these phrases and cause more damage to the relationship in the process. These phrases are meant to be a jumping off point for having the conversations that may not be easy to have. If you find yourself at a loss for words or you’re just not sure how to get the conversation started, maybe these words or words that are similar, can help. Social researchers have found that the smoothness or ease around having challenging conversations is not indicative of whether the repair will be successful, how it is received is more important. Hopefully you know the person you are trying to repair a rupture with somewhat well. What words delivered in what way would be most meaningful to them.
Get in there. Say the thing whether it’s big or small or something in between. Don’t let it fester.
